It’s currently 12:30am as I’m writing this and waiting for a video to export. I’ve always considered myself more of a night owl than anything.
Anyway, recently I’ve felt my mind become free. For the longest time, I felt that life was linear. I felt that there was a certain kind of mould to fit into. I felt that I had to hit certain milestones in life in order to lead a fulfilling and meaningful existence. I felt that I couldn’t change or shift my circumstances.
At the same time, I feel that I’m losing my sense of security and familiarity. I am more of a planner and perfectionist. I always have goals set in mind for me to achieve. That’s a good trait to have (as most have said), however it has proven itself to be limiting. Let’s just take for instance, my anxieties with graduating.
2018 is my very last year before I attend university. The big U. My GPA is more than enough to get me to where I want to go. Earlier this year, I placed this fixed ‘vision’ in my mind as my ‘end goal’, as a way for me to carve this path that would determine everything I would do here on out. My plan was to apply for a scholarship and complete the bond after graduation. (The bond was to work for X amount of years related to what I wanted to pursue in uni)
I felt I had it all sorted out. I would be going to carry out Task A to get to Point B and enjoy the fruits of my labour. That sense of safety was very enticing to me. BUT there was always a part of me deep down that knew that… there had to be something more. I knew I always wanted to do something more.
Then it clicked.
Why was I limiting myself before I even knew what was possible? What’s the purpose of planning out every single thing, even things that were beyond my control?
I suddenly felt the resistance I was presenting to the universe. I thought I was ‘freeing’ myself of worries when I had everything planned out. In reality, I was boxing myself up… failing to think bigger. I told myself that I really wanted to try new things this year and get comfortable with the discomfort.
Whatever will happen, I’m not too sure. Time can only tell.